Marriage

 How to have a happy marriage

Marriage is difficult. Even if you love the person with your whole being we are human beings. We are different. We will always have differences of opinions. Arguments and disagreements are bound to happen. All we can do is keep trying to do better and be better, It is not about one person but both of you or all of you if there are children involved. 

A few tips on how to have a happy marriage

• Accept that even happy couples argue and that conflict is inevitable.
• No marriage is always happy.
• All relationships have ups and downs.
• When you do end up fighting try to listen to each other.
• Recognize when the argument is losing control, take a time out.
• Keep the respect.
• Trust.
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Communication-The way you start the conversation impacts how it will unravel.

• Listen emphatically
• Try to see things the other persons way.
• Try to put yourself in the other persons shoes(feel how they feel)
• Ask clarifying questions.(recommended by Dr. Gary Chapman)
• Talking is a great way to keep the marriage healthy and successful.
• Always be honest about your feelings.
• Be kind and respectful.
• Share your thoughts and feelings.
• Take turns talking
• Cutting someone off while they are speaking is bad manners in general. In an argument, it is adding fuel to fire.
• Everyone should be allowed time to share without interruptions. It helps concerned parties focus better.
• Try not making demands.
• Try not telling one another what to do.
• Respect each other.

Schedule constructive conversations

• When arguments blow out of proportion decide to leave it at that.
• Decide to return to the topic when you both have calmed down.
• Schedule a time and place. Preferably where you cannot get too loud.
• It can be beneficial to the relationship if you schedule a conversation night(kind of like date night) to broach serious problematic topics.
• Bring up topics that are causing issues not random topics.
• Keep being respectful and remember we will never agree on everything because we are different.
• Compromise.

Express Curiosity

The Knot advises couples to ask questions or to make statements to show partners that they are trying to understand.

Eg: Tell me more? Please explain?

Emotional Root

• Every conflict stems from an unmet need.(Dziedzic) 
• When your spouse forgets to do something it leads to an argument.
• When your spouse makes a small mistake it leads to an argument.
• This is due to underlying feelings and issues that is not being spoken about.
• We must never assume that our spouse knows what we are feeling or thinking.

Love

When both people feel loved conflict can be approached with greater grace and consideration.

You will rather spend the energy to find a solution to the problem than on winning arguments.

Together time

• Have regular date nights. Whether you stay in or go out.
• Send children on playdates, to family etc. to talk, relax and enjoy time together.
• When on date do not discuss serious matters. Relax and be light.

Personal time 

• Me time is very important.
• Everyone needs to recharge and relax.
• Everyone needs time to enjoy their personal interests.
• Go out with friends.
• Take up a hobby or even volunteer.
• The point is to do something that makes you feel good by yourself, for yourself.

Build Trust

• John Gottman found that criticism, contempt, defensiveness are threats to a marriage.
• The more they engage in this behavior the more likely for divorce.
• Couples who stay together fight without hostility and take responsibility for their actions.
• They are more likely to respond to each others wishes, to make up fights or repair the relationship.

Forgive

• We all make mistakes.
• Deal with your feelings and then let it go.
• Remain committed to your spouse and family and your life together.
• Support each other emotionally daily.

For more information read:

Happy couples: How to keep your relationship healthy