PARENTING AND ME

PARENTING

 Parenting is one of the most difficult jobs on the planet . On one hand you are so afraid that they will come to harm and on the other hand you want to raise decent adults. How do we accomplish both so that we raise well balanced individuals that do not need to recover from their childhood. 

MY SON

When my eldest was born I was a single mother for the first five years of his life.I knew I was raising a boy to become a man. I needed to raise a man like the one I would like to exist. I decided to raise my children differently to how I was raised. Don't get me wrong. I turned out fine. The strict rules and enforcement thereof is a bit outdated to me. Not all children are the same, so not all methods are uniform. My son is more understanding and has been all his life. 

If I said "mommy can't give you xyz now.But next month I will do it" he would be like okay its fine. If I could not do or did not have he would understand. And I made sure to check for signs of frustration, anger. Of course disappointment was there but he managed to cope and understand that there is no money lying around to just get what he wanted. He understood that he must tell me what he wanted or needed before the time. We would discuss it and if it was possible we would agree.

I never made decisions about our life without informing him. Since he could understand I included him in my decisions.I just wanted to show him respect so that he understood that he was an active member of my family. We were raised as part of the furniture and workers in my opinion. Do this do that. Sit still,be quiet. Speak when spoken to.

With him I would use time out. When you are done we will talk about what you did wrong. And a discussion will clarify the whole situation. If he understood what he did wrong. Yes, now and then he tried to push his luck. He still does but realises his mistake when pushed back.I was once told that I raise my son asif he is in the army.Yet I rarely raised my voice and didn't hit him.I only had to give him the look. So in my opinion what did he have to fear. Was it fear or respect and understanding.

He knew that he must be home at a certain time from a young age.(Yes, now he is trying to push his boundaries but he gets put back in his place fast). He knew sweet treats were for weekends. He did not interrupt adult conversations. He knew to play outside when adults are talking. It wasn't always smooth sailing. He was no angel, he tried his tricks. He just didn't' get away with them.

Like I said at fourteen he still pushes his boundaries and we push back(I'm married now remember). We have a relationship where we discuss various topics from sex, to school.He knows no topic is prohibited as long as respect is always present. I want him to know that he can come to us regarding anything and I hope he always will. 

MY DAUGHTER

My five year old on the other hand is the total opposite. Her personality is so strong. She knows what she wants, when she wants it and how she wants it. She knows what she likes and does not like. She is demanding and spoilt. Yes, spoilt.

 Daddy's little girl is no myth. My husband did not realise that indulging his daughters every whim would end up biting him.I'ts not all his fault.I did not put in all the effort like with Ross.I assumed he knew the do's and don'ts. I did not enforce my rules on what was allowed and not. But how does one tell the child's father "you can't do that".  I think I also expected that she would be like Ross automatically.I think maybe I failed her. She is out of control. I am so afraid that it will only get worse. 

The methods I used with Ross do not work with Mia. Nothing works. Not threats, not promises, not sadness. Taking away toys, nope. Time out, a joke. When she is angry she puts herself in a corner. She couldn't be bothered. I am still trying and testing methods. I have not given up. Watch this space. One thing I know for sure is that she will go very far in life once she learns what she needs to in order to function in society normally. 

SO....IN MY OPINION

I don't have a problem some of the old methods work but as a child I felt like I had no voice. I had no say. I wanted my children to know that their opinion matters. Don't get it wrong. I have rules and I enforce them. I just believe that things can be done in a way that does not oppress a child. They must know that they can be who they want or need to be. They must explore and experiment. Supervised and with boundaries and guidelines. 

I believe when a child is treated with respect and appreciated they flourish. They will want to make you proud but not for the wrong reasons. Not to get approval or love that is out of their reach but to thank you.